The Investigator

Chimpanzee to replace RBI Governor!

In news that has been hailed by PETA, the government has revealed that an imported simian may soon replace current RBI governor Urjit Patel. “In the interests of transparency, we are also looking at other candidates,” revealed a source at the ministry of finance. “Our only criterion is that he or she should not have any relevant prior experience.” Single-celled organisms have not been ruled out. “A paramecium would be a low-cost option,” said the source, “especially from the point of view of accommodation. Bungalows are in short supply, and all it requires is a small dish. We were also beguiled by its structural simplicity. Sadly, it cannot nod its head.”

The decision to replace the governor was taken at a meeting not covered by RTI. The extreme step is being taken after a series of grievous errors committed by the current incumbent. “The ₹2000 note was not pink enough,” explained the official. “He was supposed to match a particular shade of kurta worn by the PM. Also, his press conferences were inadequate. He kept avoiding journalists. He was unable to come up with a single acronym. His tweeting was subpar. It was clear that it was time for him to go. Originally we were hoping that Reliance would take him back, but we dropped this demand after they begged for mercy.”

Who else is in contention for this prestigious and important position? “An orangutan was considered,” said the official, “but they are very fussy regarding diet, and they tend to shed in winter. A langur from Nizamuddin remains a strong contender, after he promised that he would hurl bananas at the Swiss until they reveal the identities of black money holders. This will be a key function of the RBI governor in the years to come. He and the chimpanzee are the frontrunners. They have demonstrated fine motor skills and accuracy while flinging poop. The biggest plus is that their financial demands will be less, especially after Raghuram Rajan, who spent a fortune on moisturiser. Ever since the Seventh Pay Commission, unnecessary salary demands by non-IAS officers has become a problem. Currently we are leaning towards the chimpanzee. If selected, he will be sent for six months’ training to the Gir Wildlife Sanctuary, where he will attend courses in obedience, arbitrary decision-making and Gujarati. It’s not that he’s flawless. He has his faults. For example, he seems unable to keep count of the bananas he has. But then, we don’t know how much currency we have anyway.”

Black buck may not have committed suicide!

In news that has been condemned by PETA, authorities have been unable to prevent a wave of suicides among India’s black buck population. Scientists are mystified. Experiments conducted on black bucks under lab conditions have yielded no results. Meanwhile, theories are multiplying. “Depression”, “lack of female black bucks” and “rumours that Kalluri could be taking over our area” have all been cited as possible reasons for their sudden decision to end it all.

However, some are doubting the official version. Sources — who did not want to be named after what happened to Salman Khan’s bodyguard — have confirmed that there have been repeated sightings of a drunk person hurtling through the forest in an SUV, followed by another SUV filled with lawyers, as well as heavily armed item girls and an unemployed princeling in a slightly cheaper vehicle, deliberately running over black bucks and subsequently placing countrymade revolvers next to their hooves to make it look like suicide. Described as “short, loud and muscular, with a perfectly hairless chest, and a jawline to die for”, the culprit, whenever questioned about his activities, is rumoured to have pulled out a judges’ gavel, waving it at onlookers and saying “See! See!” before scooting. Despite strenuous attempts, police have been unable to nab him. “Our nationwide manhunt was fruitless,” admitted a senior police official. “On the brighter side, we managed to get his autograph.”

North Indian bulls unsure about Jallikattu!

In news regarding which PETA is yet to form a conclusion, North Indian bulls have expressed concerns about the recent decision to uphold the practice of jallikattu, while continuing to respect Tamil sentiment. “We have certain concern areas,” said a representative of the Gorakhpur Male Bovine Association (GMBA). “We feel that this practice should be more inclusive. Currently the focus is entirely on us. Too much responsibility is being placed on our shoulders. We protest the complete non-involvement of buffaloes, whose overall job profile is very similar. When our brave soldiers are risking their lives at the border, can they not even do this much?” “We are not against it in principle,” said Govardhan, a resident of Varanasi, “but perhaps cows should also be given a chance once in a while? This kind of gender bias is unacceptable in modern society.”

Others are resigned to their fate. “Sex and violence, that’s all we’re good for,” said Bahubali, a retired stud bull from Barabanki. There is also a proposal to make the contest more balanced. “In the future, we would like to see both home and away matches in this format,” said the GMBA. “Away matches will be as per current practice. In home matches, large numbers of young bulls will chase a single young man. In a sample poll in which two options were provided, 97 per cent of our younger members have indicated that they either ‘favour’ or ‘strongly favour’ this move, while the rest ate the questionnaire.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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