The Investigator

New acronym launched to fight maoists!

The map of Chhattisgarh on the wall is upside down, but I hate to point this out. I am very polite to policemen, especially in Chhattisgarh. Currently he is patting his stomach and looking quite happy, but you never know. He hands me a small piece of paper with the word ‘SAMADHAN’ on it. “See!” he says, “here is your answer.”

“Is it some kind of chit fund?” I ask, cautiously.

“No no,” he says, “It’s the solution to the Maoist problem. We just received this from New Delhi.”

“Will you be giving loans to the Maoists at concessional rates,” I ask, “thereby bringing them back into the mainstream of society?”

“That’s also a good idea,” says the officer, “we could help with the disbursal. But this is much bigger. Each letter of SAMADHAN is loaded with meaning. It stands for Smart Leadership, Aggressive Strategy, Motivation and Training, Actionable Intelligence, Dashboard-based Key Performance Indicators, Harnessing Technology, Action Plan for each Theatre, and No Access to Financing.”

I am impressed. “It looks like there’s going to be a lot of action on the Maoist front,” I say.

“There has already been a lot of action,” he confirms. “A task force of senior officers spent eight weeks creating this acronym. In fact, much of it was the brainchild of a colleague from Chhattisgarh. Unfortunately he is no longer with us, because when they asked him how he could be rewarded, he said, ‘Please transfer me out of Chhattisgarh’.”

“Would you say that the absence of strategy has hampered anti-Maoist efforts?” I ask.

“No, that was because officers in the field were forgetting to follow Standard Operating Procedure. This was the problem.”

“What are these SOPs?” I ask, shrewdly slipping in an acronym of my own.

“I don’t have a copy,” he says, “so I have no idea. Nobody does. But not following them is the main problem. Also the men are unable to follow clear-cut instructions. We tell them go out and get the Maoists, but the CRPF boys keep asking questions, like where are they, how many are they, and so on. Meanwhile, our own boys keep running away, saying things like there are 100 of them and only 1,500 of us, like during that unfortunate incident in Burkapal. Things were bad. The lack of an acronym was really hurting us. Now, thanks to SAMADHAN everything will be fine. Usually such words have four-five letters, but this one has eight. Our success is guaranteed.”

One thing is puzzling me. “What does Dashboard-based Key Performance Indicators mean?”

He smiles. “It was late at night, and they couldn’t come up with anything else that starts with D,” he says.

Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

After mortgaging the house and some minor embezzlement, our son has graduated from college in the US. However, the response to pictures of his graduation has been very poor, with only three likes and one smiley face. My wife collapsed and had to be hospitalised. In this, our darkest hour, any words of solace that you can offer us?

Regards, Ramoji, Guntur

Dear Ramoji,

The graduation picture market is very competitive. Here are a few tips to avoid tragedy. A facial is a must. A few lights and reflectors can do no harm. A crew of five or six should be sufficient. Make your children more interesting. Get them a tattoo, or an eyepatch. Expressions are also important. Some coaching is always helpful. Acting coaches are available for nominal sums. Polish your photography skills. Here, too, help is available. If you’re in Delhi, my friend Dinesh Khanna is the best choice. His rates are very reasonable. A make-up artiste would also not go amiss. Say it’s for educational purposes. They might give you a discount. Think hard about the caption. Strike the right balance between pride and nostalgia. All this can help you do better next time. In case you have only one child, the matter is tricky. Your only option is to ask him to repeat a year.

Yours affectionately, Ally.

Categories for human shields announced!

In news described as ‘Epic’ by #genevaconventionisforpussies, the government has announced comprehensive criteria and guidelines for human shields. “When it comes to human shields, we will not discriminate on the basis of caste or religion,” said a spokesperson. “Every free citizen of India is eligible. In the interests of transparency, a lottery will be conducted on the spot amongst bystanders, using Aadhaar card numbers.

Pre-booking may also be done, under our Tatkal Service. There will be limited quotas for select categories. In keeping with the principles of the Beti Bachao scheme, women will be given preference. Certified gau rakshaks will be exempt. People with annual income above ₹1 crore are allowed to send their drivers. People with annual income above ₹5 crore are allowed to send other people’s drivers. The army had argued for a special category, ‘whoever happens to be closest’, but we firmly refused, saying proper procedure must be followed. Involuntary service to the nation is a rare and precious privilege, which cannot be bestowed lightly.” Meanwhile, in a heart-warming development, noted news personality Arnab Goswami, who recently received an award for ‘Most Improved Hair’, has offered to be a human shield. “I am second to none in my admiration for the army,” he said, “I am happy to offer my body as a shield, provided one or two studio guests accompany me.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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