If you’re looking at a long-term relationship with someone, what do you talk about? Many people talk about whether they like Manjummel Boys or Dune, Benne Masala Dosa or Sushi, whether they’re fitness maniacs or couch potatoes, and so on.  

But as someone who’s been successfully married for 25 years let me tell you, these are not the things that will trigger disagreements in a long-term relationship. You can get along perfectly fine with a spouse who doesn’t like Manummel Boys or Benne Dose. But you cannot get along if you disagree on fundamental money issues.   

In this episode of Question of Money, I’m going to talk about the money issues that you need to thrash out with your partner to figure out if you are well-suited.    

I had an arranged marriage, and didn’t know my husband at all when I first met him. This made it easy to talk about money-related issues straightaway.  

# 1 Earnings and career plan

The first thing we talked about was how each of us viewed our careers. We discussed how much we earned and whether we had plans to switch to better jobs or interrupt our careers for higher education in the next few years. To manage your finances smoothly as a couple, each of you need to be open about your earnings and whether you have plans to quit your job anytime soon, because the other partner would be expected to shoulder that responsibility.  This doesn’t mean that you will never change your mind. But talking about your job and career plans can help you figure out if both of you are equally ambitious. This is important because starkly differing expectations about career and work-life balance can be a big breaking point in relationships.  

# 2 Dependents and loans  

One of the first few money talks I had with my husband was about how I was the eldest daughter to my parents and would like to financially support them, if needed, throughout their lives. My husband also disclosed that he had a dependent mother who would live with us, and that he would like to help out his sisters as much as he could.  

This laid down the ground rules for how we would manage our finances later. It also prompted a decision to keep our portfolios and bank accounts separate except when chipping in towards joint responsibilities and household expenses.  Neither of us came into the marriage with any loans. But this is one aspect that you need to discuss too, as it will have implications for your joint lifestyle and future goals as a couple. Even if you have credit card dues going into a long-term relationship or marriage, its good to let your partner know about it.  In fact, keeping no secrets about helping out your relatives or taking loans, needs to continue throughout your life. Even if you are standing surety for a friend or relative, make sure your spouse knows about it.   

# 3 Attitude to spending and savings  

Some of us are hardwired by our upbringing to spend only on roti, kapda and makaan. Some of us come from families where money is spent like water on European vacations and Luois Vuitton bags. Which side of the fence you come from, will have a big bearing on your finances and you fights about money, in future.  No one likes to be in an unequal relationship where they are doing all the spending or all the saving. So some issues to thrash out at the very beginning are: 

How much you spend out of your monthly earnings and how much you manage to save  

What you consider to be essential spending and what you deem is a luxury  

Whether you have any habits that take up a good portion of your earnings. It could be pubbing twice a week or F&O trading!   

What are your big financial goals and aspirations 

You are unlikely to be on the same page with your partner on all these issues. But if you disagree, it is better to know this upfront and prepare for it, but putting some ground rules in place. You can decide for instance that you will consult each other on any expenses above Rs 10,000 and will compulsorily invest 15% of your monthly pay.   

# 4 Investments and risk appetite  

You should also discuss what each of you will bring into the relationship in terms of investments. Of course this is not a corporate merger, so your net worth shouldn’t really matter to whether you go ahead or break up. But knowing your combined net worth can help you gauge how much cushion you have for joint goals and emergencies.  

The final thing to figure out would be your attitudes to risk-taking. It can be a troubling thing for your relationship if one of you saves only in FDs while the other is taking punts on cryptocurrencies. If this is the case, you’ll need to work out a compromise where you improve your allocations to riskier assets say stocks, and your partner sets aside capital for risky punts.  

Do remember that having these money discussions is much easier when you are both new to your relationship. If you do it later, it may be quite a romance killer.  

(Host: Aarati Krishnan, Producer & edits: Anjana PV, Camera: Bijoy Ghosh, Siddharth Mathew Cherian, Rowan Barnett)

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