Knot for her? Not now!

A decade ago it was unthinkable - girls waiting, well into their 30s, for the right man to get married, or opting to remain single. As soon as they hit their 20s, groom-hunting would begin, as parents and relatives spread the word around. And, God forbid, if the wait stretched longer than five years, tongues would wag: What’s wrong with her? Is it her dark complexion? Is she ‘healthy’?

Today, the number of single women, or ‘freemales’ as they are called, has increased considerably — with none feeling apologetic or guilty about the unmarried status. “I don’t want to push for marriage, or compromise to get hitched,” says Ishita Chopra, a 31-year-old senior manager at SARE real estate development group, Delhi. She is among a growing tribe of Indian women who don’t find it necessary to tie the knot to find happiness or security, or please their family.

Anamika Prasad, a native of Patna, Bihar, who has been living in Mumbai for several years now, says, “I am not against marriage. Certainly, if I find a likeminded partner, I would tie the knot. But no way will I concede to societal pressures. I feel the problem with men today, especially from my home State, is that they don’t know what they want. They want an educated, modern wife holding a well-paid job and, at the same time, she should be conservative, wearing the traditional sindoor on her forehead and draped in a sari!”

On the threshold of 30, Anamika, a former journalist with the Live India & Me Marathi channel, has set up a production house, Raj Kumari Film Combines. Many prospective grooms and their family presume that because she heads a film production company, she must have had several affairs. “I never ask the boy such questions. So, what right does he or his family have to ask me that? I am happy being single until I find a man who understands me,” she says.

Yamuna Krishnamurthy (name changed), who is in her late 30s and works for a software company in Bengaluru, says, “Earlier, marriage meant financial and emotional security for the woman. Now, I have bought a three-bedroom flat, and drive a cool middle-segment car. I am looking for emotional security from a marriage, but where is the guarantee for that? Just look at the increasing number of divorces.”

Even the parents are okay with the idea of their daughters leading independent lives. Don’t end up sad by marrying the wrong guy, advises Ishita’s mother, Neera, who practises the healing science of Reiki. When Yamuna’s parents forwarded profiles of prospective grooms, they made it clear the choice was entirely hers.

Sevanthy Sharma, Mumbai-based manufacturer and exporter of leather bags, completely supports her three daughters (the eldest, an engineer and management graduate, is 36; the second, a dentist, is 32; the youngest, in her 20s, is a print journalist) when they declare that “we will marry the day we find our match”.

Even the Government appears to have taken cognisance of this fast-growing trend. The Planning Commission, under the 12th Five Year Plan, is pushing for special privileges for single women. Apart from reserving jobs for them under Centrally-sponsored schemes, the Commission wants to promote and strengthen federations of single women at the block and district level.

Analysing the factors behind the trend, Dr Shubangi Parkar, head of psychiatry at Mumbai’s KEM Hospital, says, “These days, with one-night stands and live-in relationships on the rise in urban India, women do not need marriage to find sexual fulfilment. They also have good careers to take care of finances. Many even fulfil their maternal instincts by going in for adoption or IVF therapy.”

On the flip side, however, despite the growing social acceptance and opportunities for single women, there are several drawbacks such as difficulty in finding rental accommodation, as families are preferred. At the workplace, the single woman is often expected to stay back late for meetings or assignments, faced with loaded questions such as ‘Who’s waiting for you at home?’ She also often becomes an easy target for casual flings — “When their wives are out of town, married men in our office ask us out for coffee or a movie. They are good friends otherwise, so why the duplicity?” says one woman, who does not wish to be identifed.

And, too often, life in the big city can become terribly lonely. Dr Shubangi says there are many single women who take to alcohol or become hooked to anti-depressants. Ultimately, she says, “it all depends on the woman’s state of mind and her circle of friends.”

Coming up are several singles’ clubs and organisations that aim to provide networking opportunities, rather than act as a marriage bureau. In Bengaluru, Siddharth Mangharam set up Floh ( www.floh.in ) in 2011 to connect “singles in the real world. The objective is to help our members meet likeminded people.” Sixty-five per cent of Floh’s members are women, and they are all well-placed professionals - from doctors and lawyers to MBAs and architects.

A recent survey by Floh showed that women today are more particular than men when choosing a mate. They are also more pragmatic and prefer intelligence over wealth in their partner.

© Women’s Feature Service

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