“This makes us vulnerable to paratrooper attacks,” says a representative of the people, looking up at the gaping hole where the Lok Sabha roof used to be. His face is illuminated in a shaft of sunlight. Little flakes of ceiling plaster are stuck in his hair. “Up to grenade launchers I was okay, but when they mentioned stinger missiles I knew this was going to happen.”

A group of parliamentarians are huddled together in a corner, trembling in the winter chill. Victims of falling debris are being carried out on stretchers by grim-faced attendants. A team of doctors is trying to revive the Speaker, who has lapsed into a coma. This mishap was the consequence of a recent ordinance passed by the government, authorising elected representatives to carry shoulder-mounted ballistic missiles in Parliament and to watch moderate amounts of porn on iPads, although not both at the same time.

I catch one of the marshals, who is leaning against a wall, trembling. He displays all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, but I am relentless in my quest for truth.

“What happened, exactly?” I ask.

“He perceived a threat to life,” says the marshal, “That’s when he loaded his missile. It was self-defence. Others who were rushing at him backed away carefully, until one of them diverted his attention by pointing up at the ceiling, saying, “Look! Look! Hema Malini;” at which point the armed member looked up, his finger slipped, and he inadvertently took out the roof, injuring six.”

The missile has also destroyed several Lok Sabha TV cameras, as a result of which it has been shut down indefinitely. In keeping with the Public-Private Partnership approach, the job of televising Parliament is now being handed over to the private sector.

Papers fly as a helicopter appears overhead, and hovers. Arnab Goswami shimmies down a rope ladder into the chamber, clutching a microphone. He floats above us. His eyes are like laser beams. His tie is askew. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have three questions,” he says. “The first question has two parts. The second and third questions have three parts. This is the first part. Of the first question.” He glares down at me menacingly. I inch towards the door. “Is this a plot to expose the inner working of India’s parliament to spy satellites of enemies?” he demands. The faint cries of the wounded are his only answer.

The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. Views are personal. Really personal

Follow on Twitter >@shovonc

>Buy the Coal Ministry computers!

>Is this the future of policing?

Related Topics