The Investigator

China condemns Indian incursion in Guwahati!

The senior officer of the Indian Foreign Service is balancing a globe on the tip of his nose as his minion reads out a letter. When I enter the room, he raises his hand at the minion, who stops reading. He allows the globe to roll off his nose and rest in the palm of his hand. He is extremely suave. His clothes are impeccable. He gestures gracefully to a chair and we both sit down. He continues to hold the globe in the palm of his hand. “I’m practising,” he explains, “it’s what we’re expected to do.”

A faint hint of Brut wafts through the air. He smiles at me kindly. He knows I am intellectually inferior, but he doesn’t want me to be nervous. I am intimidated by his cosmopolitanism. I nervously brush the last few crumbs of bread pakora from my pants. It was my lunch. My poverty is destroying my soul. I had asked Ms Venugopal at The Hindu Business Line for a raise, but she is immune to starvation.

“So what’s all this about China, then?” I ask, enunciating carefully and trying not to speak too loudly. He sighs. “I was just sitting here thinking if there was anything else I could do to help Devyani Khobragade, when this message arrived from the Chinese. My PA was just reading it out, to save me from straining my eyes, because the nation needs my vision.” He gestures to his minion who has been standing at attention, the sheet held in front of him. “The People’s Republic of China,” reads the minion, “whose economy, military and film industry are far superior to India, demands the immediate withdrawal of all semi-literate Indian government personnel from the sovereign territory of Assam. Assam obviously belongs to us as it was ruled for 600 years by the Ahom kings, who were originally Dai people from Yunan province. The Dai are one of the 56 officially recognised ethnic groups of China, although you would not be aware of this, since you think all Chinese people look the same. We should also point out that the majority of tea bushes in Assam originally came from China, as does the so-called Brahmaputra river. The Indian public has long recognised our sovereignty, by traditionally referring to people from this area as Chinese. In the light of this, we demand that the intellectually inferior Indian government, whose body odour is legendary, should immediately vacate these areas of the motherland, walking backwards and apologising as they do so.”

I am shocked. I had no idea things were so bad. “What will you do?” I ask the officer.

He holds up a Mandarin-English dictionary, well thumbed. “I’m preparing for the next administration,” he says.

Stampede in Goa after waiters arrested with drugs

The owners of Curlies and Club Nynex, two shacks on Anjuna beach, have been arrested along with their waiters, for possible sale of drugs to customers, leading to an unprecedented stampede in this small coastal state. Several airlines have announced extra flights to Goa, with MakeMyTrip providing 10 per cent additional discount for users of ICICI Bank cards.

Several shacks have collapsed under the pressure, as eager drug users chase anyone carrying a tray, or any kind of food item. Meanwhile, the government has promised stern action against rave parties. “Confiscation of Aadhaar card cannot be ruled out,” said a spokesperson. “A three-member steering committee has been appointed to arrive at a proper definition for the term ‘rave party’. We need to classify them properly for documentation purposes. So far, they have identified three different slabs. More could be in the pipeline.”

In related news, the local pharmaceutical dealers association has lodged strong protests against shack owners.

“As it is they are enjoying themselves on the beach, while we are stuck here behind counters. Can you imagine what it’s like to live in Goa and be stuck behind a counter? And now they are hitting us in the stomach, doing this type of No. 2 business? We have no option. Our choice is clear. From next week, every drug store in Goa will be selling sausages and beer, along with a selection of finger foods,” said a chemist.

Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

How would you rate the costume worn by the PM during this year’s Independence Day speech, compared to previous years?

Regards,

Vanessa, Porbandar

Dear Vanessa,

This is an excellent question. We need to view it in the historical context. In 2014, his clothing was very good. The tailoring of his kurta was excellent. The turban boldly combined a gorgeous red, a warm, luminous orange, and a bold, shiny green with a hint of gold. These were strong, conventional choices. By 2015, we see him beginning to innovate. His choices of colour are unexpected, including flourishes of lilac and cool streaks of sky blue, on a base of rani pink. In 2016, his kurta was disappointingly plain, but the evolution of the headgear continues. Once more, he challenges colonial notions of masculine and feminine regarding colour choices, with a palette very similar to 2015, while adding texture in the form of filigreed netting overlay. After the path-breaking steps of the first three years, 2017 was a disappointment, from the dull snuff-coloured kurta to the conventionally saffron turban. Some attempt has been made to add a pattern to the turban, but it’s as if the designer gave up half way through. It’s a matter of concern for all of us. Let’s see what 2018 holds.

Yours affectionately, Ally

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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