Grandparents, interrupted

International Day of Older Persons, on October 1, may not mean anything to Rashmi* and her husband, Gautam*. Like most grandparents, they revelled in the opportunity to experience childhood again through the eyes of their grandchildren, and to be able to nurture and watch them grow without the responsibility of full-time parents.

Indeed, few would disagree that the couple, both retired professors, were doting and adoring grandparents. Yet, today, it is more than three years since they have set eyes on their grandchildren. The family splintered following their son’s acrimonious divorce in 2008. And Rashmi and Gautam say it’s them, the grandparents, who are paying the ultimate price for the breakdown of their son’s marriage.

When a marriage breaks up and (as is usually the case) the children reside with their mother, paternal grandparents can find themselves suddenly cut off from their grandchildren with no guarantee they will see them again.

The consequences of such loss of contact can be devastating. Such grandparents often report symptoms of bereavement with a negative effect on their physical and emotional health.

Dr Savio Pereira, a Bangalore-based mental health specialist, agrees that grandparents who are forcibly separated from their grandchildren suffer from depression and anxiety. “These grandparents often approach organisations such as Bangalore-based NGO Children’s Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting ( www.crisp-india.org ) and All India Mother-in-law Protection Forum ( www.aimpf.org ) for help,” he adds. “Awareness should be created on occasions such as International Day of Older Persons and Elder Abuse Awareness Day (June 15) to highlight the plight of senior citizens.”

CRISP has over 1,200 members, including parents and grandparents, who are fighting to introduce the concept of shared parenting.

Like many grandparents, Amita* and Soumya* doubled as child carers for their son’s offspring. Living nearby, they happily stepped in to look after their grandchildren when their daughter-in-law went to work. But after the son’s marriage broke up two years ago, the grandparent’s were cut out of the grandchildren’s life.

Amita and Soumya have been happily married for 45 years and want only to give their grandchildren a loving and supportive start in life. But they have barely any more rights over their grandchildren than complete strangers. “When my son and his wife separated, she seemed to want to take out her anger on us, even though we had done nothing wrong. We had lived for those two children. They spent many afternoons and most of the weekends at our house. We were shocked to the core that the breakdown of a relationship could mean we were cut out of their lives,” says Amita.

Her cosy front-room is filled with photographs of her grandchildren. Pictures of the little girl and boy as babies, toddlers taking their first, faltering steps, and on holiday with the grandparents beaming beside them. Her eyes fill with tears as she recalls their time together. “Grandparents provide a vital part of the secure base that a child needs. The family should be rock solid and unquestioning. That concept has all but disappeared today,” she says. “Our grandchildren are the most important thing in our lives. It is a tragic truth that, all too often, in the bitter fallout from a divorce or breakup, children are used as pawns to punish the other partner, while the grandparents are caught up in this emotional blackmail.”

Parents caught up in their own misery of divorce or separation are depriving their children of the one source of continuity, security and stability in a bid to get at their partner, says Kumar Jahgirdar, president of CRISP.

People should not be allowed to use their children as weapons, and the government needs to look closely at the role grandparents play in the grandchildren’s lives, he adds. “The relationship between a young child and a grandparent is so special, and yet there are thousands of children in India wondering what they have done wrong that they’re no longer allowed to see granny or grandpa.

“We receive calls from distressed grandparents every month. For many, time is running out. They are fighting not just to see their beloved grandchildren, but to build a relationship before they die,” says Jahgirdar. “Society, the government, the media and the judiciary must be sensitised about the rights of senior citizens in custody battles and provide them with avenues to be with their grandchildren.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron favours new rights for grandparents — who can be beacons of ‘stability’ when a family breaks down — to apply for contact with grandchildren through the UK courts. Will India follow suit?

*Some names have been changed to protect identities

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