Like most lecherous but lazy people, you were waiting to read Fifty Shades of Grey by watching the movie — getting turned on in a darkened movie hall is so much more discreet than breathing heavily in the living room. And now they won’t allow the movie to be released, because in India Sanskaar beats SpankHer.

So, Anastasia Steele, majoring in journalism and virginity, decided to take matters in her own… er… hands, migrated to India, and used her successive jobs at different newspapers, news channels and websites here to tell the story that the censor board won’t let you see on the big screen. This is the result, scooped exclusively for you. Yes, we know, the pleasure’s all yours.

It all began on Buzzfeed:

Kate fell ill and asked Ana to interview Christian Grey instead of her. You’ll never believe what happened next.

Seventy-two heart-warming questions that Ana asked Christian to find out if he was gay. He answered ‘no’ to all of them.

Twenty-five ways to find out if you’re falling in love with the man you’re interviewing, while he only wants to have hard sex.

Guess what Christian was buying at the hardware store where Ana worked. (Hint: rope, duct tape).

Seven strategies to avoid drunk-texting the guy you have a crush on while celebrating your graduation.

What to do when you wake up in a hotel room in the bed of the guy you have the hots for but who insists there must be paperwork before sex.

The Hindu felt compelled to make its observations in an op-ed article:

Signalling the decadence of the capitalism-fuelled sexual excesses of Western civilisation, corporate czar Christian Grey today unveiled his collection of Bondage Dominance Submission Masochism material to reporter Anastasia Steele. Further revealing the decaying mindset of the market economy, Mr Grey admitted to Ms Steele that he could maximise his investment in sexual activity only by adopting the dominant position in any relationship, in the process displaying his contempt for socialism in sex. That he conducted Ms Steele to his museum in his private helicopter only underlined the appropriation of sexual power by the wealthiest 1 per cent of the world, whose assets are currently the same as those of the remaining 99 per cent. Just like the quintessential proletariat-victim of the modern world, Ms Steele was not repelled, sensing instead the seductive allure of wealth and its accompanying sexual entitlement.

Then Times Now picked up the story:

Do you, Mr Grey, deny that you wished Ana to sign a non-disclosure agreement about her relationship with you? Why, in that case, did you violate the terms of your own proposed NDA when you discovered she was a virgin? No, I will not take ‘virginity automatically implies non-disclosure’ as an answer. Why did you deflower Ana on your bed without signing the agreement? Are you suggesting that virgins cannot sign agreements? No, I will NOT let you talk until you explain. No, you CANNOT whip me. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever attempt to make me submissive.

The Economist went ahead and put the whole thing on its cover:

The strategies employed by Mr Christian Grey, the CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, to persuade Ms Anastasia Steele to sign a formal agreement not to disclose the terms of their relationship to the stock markets are questionable. True, revealing such information may have led to insider trading by bears, for the knowledge that Mr Grey is a BDSM enthusiast would lead to an erosion of investor confidence in his company. However, Mr Grey appears to have made the fundamental mistake of handing over power to the consumer, which has made many corporations pay a heavy price in the past. In his decision to demonstrate to Ms Steele the pleasures of erotic activities while being tied up, blindfolded, spanked and stripped, he allowed her to develop a romantic fondness for him, which will severely restrict his ability to exploit her to his own advantage. Falling in love with the consumer is a dangerous liaison, and although Mr Grey appears to be resisting, it is by no means certain that his resistance will persist over the sequels.

Eventually, the story wound up — as all stories do — on Twitter:

Christian tries to buy Ana with an expensive laptop and car, threatens her with spanking. Typical Sanghi manoeuvre #AchheDin

Left liberal AAPtard Christian whips Ana’s buttocks six times. Should have been 666 times #NumberofDevil

Ana loves Christian. Christian whips Ana. Ana rejects Christian. Christian ejects Ana #TinyTales

Did Ana take the lift down and out of Christian’s life forever? Who will beat whom at the end? #lulz #sequel

(Arunava Sinha translates classic contemporary Bengali fiction and non-fiction into English)

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