Cows to vote in Lok Sabha elections!

The certified gau rakshak is sobbing profusely. He holds on to a nearby cow for support, the big bamboo almost slipping from his hands. The cow eyes me thoughtfully, munching. “So many years we have struggled,” says the gau rakshak, “without receiving any gratitude. I never thought I would live to see this day.” He wipes away his tears. He notices my shoes. He bends down and gently removes them, and hands me a pair of rubber Hawaii chappals. He straightens up and holds out his hand. Reluctantly, I hand him my wallet. He removes the money and puts it in his pocket, and throws the wallet away. He gives me a small jute pouch. “You can keep your money in this from now on.” he says. “It is available in two different colours — burnt saffron and sunrise orange.” Devoid of leather and penniless, I proceed with the interview. I am used to financial adversity.

At Business Line, they pay us very little. “Was it your efforts that led to this?” I ask. “All of us together,” says the gau rakshak. “It was part of a master plan, carefully executed over past two years. First, we strengthened the rules. Then we weakened the opposition, mostly by beating them up. After that, we went to the Election Commission. We blackmailed them emotionally, saying, ‘How can you deny the vote to your mother, after everything your mother has done for you? Do you even understand the value of a mother? Why don’t you take away our vote also?’ As a result, all cows in India will be voting in the next election. The Constitution will be amended to cover four-legged creatures. They will also be eligible to take the IAS exam. Polling booths will be enlarged to accommodate them. Imported cows must first undergo a naturalisation process. Pakistani cows are strictly prohibited. Kashmiri cows can vote only when accompanied by military personnel. For Mother Dairy cows, special arrangements are being made at the factory. There will be a separate queue for senior-citizen cows. Transgender cows are also welcome. All arrangements are final. Registration process is on. By 2019, it should be complete, creating a readymade vote bank who will be herded by us to polling booths on election day, making up handsomely for loss of support amongst dalits, Muslims and students.’

“Apart from religion, are there any other reasons for taking this step,” I ask. “Actually, religion had nothing to do with it,” says the rakshak. “We’ve been milking the public for so long, we thought we should try a different species.”

Sports Ministry officials to participate in Tokyo!

In an innovative move, the Ministry of Sports has announced that sportspersons will be omitted from future Indian Olympic contingents. “There was much outcry over wastage of money,” said a secretary in the ministry, “During an emergency meeting in the swimming pool, we saw an officer on special duty swim from one end to the other, without spilling his cocktail. That’s when we realised that the solution was staring us in the face.”

Instead of athletes, officials will now represent the nation, in newly introduced events such as File Hurling, Marginal Notation, Buck Passing, High-speed Banknote Vanishing, and a specially designed steeplechase in which participants evade members of the vigilance department. In yet another innovation, officials will be riding tax-paying citizens in the equestrian events. Pellet gun firing will be part of the shooting events. Uniforms will be designed by Ritu Beri, while Ritu Dalmia will provide catering.

“Elimination of athletes should lead to substantial savings,” explained the sports secretary, “while in no way affecting standards. Our tweeting should also improve. Since we ourselves are the participants, there won’t be any mix-up of names.” In related news, sources have revealed that cine star Salman Khan will also be joining the contingent for Tokyo 2020, where he will represent India in shooting, driving, lip syncing, and light-hearted pursuit of women.

Man, 26, shocked after wife gives birth to Emoji!

At midnight of August 15, in a district hospital in Tirunelveli, Kala, wife of Gopal Mahalingam, gave birth to an angry emoji, clutching a small Indian flag. Reactions have been mixed. “This is what happens when you allow women to use mobile phones,” said Ramachandran, an elderly neighbour. Other neighbours have been more supportive.

“Just because a child has limited facial expression, we should not discriminate against him,” said Vijay, a project lead residing in Flat 7D of an adjacent housing complex. “We are all one in the eyes of the Almighty.” Hospital authorities report that the child has been doing well, although he was highly critical of the doctor’s delivery technique, and subsequently referred to one of the nurses as an anti-national Porkistani slut. He is not being allowed to watch TV, and his efforts to snatch other people’s mobile phones have been thwarted. “He appears disgruntled,” said one of the nurses. ‘Just the other day, he burped milk on a picture of Arundhati Roy.”

How is the family dealing with this unusual new arrival? They appear to have adjusted quickly to the situation. “Ideally, we should marry him to a smiley face,” said his grandmother, Saritha. “I am a little disappointed,” confessed the young father, “I was hoping for a Pikachu.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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