The forward-looking mother-in-law

She was totally bereft. As she spoke, it became obvious how much she had depended on the older woman’s support. ‘She always guided me, encouraged me in my work, took pride in my achievements and taught me time management, though she had never herself had been required to manage home and career,’ she was saying.

Well mothers are the bedrock of their daughter’s lives, you say.

But in this case, it was not the mother the designer friend was referring to. It was her mother-in-law.

Indeed, so hard-wired are we, with stories about mothers-in-law who are rigid in their dealings with the young woman who marries their son, that we put them just one rung below the step-mother, who,we are told, if she does not actually plan murder, ill-treats the step children to a point just short of it.

A different story

But the story this woman was telling us was different. Her mother-in-law, realising her own dreams had been thwarted by the traditions that were followed in the era when she got married, let the younger woman realise hers. And in process of give and take between the two, a unique bond of friendship strengthened that added to the general well-being of the family home.

A very different ambience this, than of the home in which the tug-of-war between two generations of women exists, giving rise to a cloud of disharmony that hangs over the house.

Stories of the mothers-in-law of the past are real, but hopefully that era has passed. When a son’s mother felt the need to bend and train the young will into submission and obedience. A show of power, to hide insecurities and possessiveness.

Today, more often than not the groom’s mother is too busy with her own life, financially more secure, and able to discern the potential for an ally and friend in her daughter-in-law.

In fact, the needle has a danger of veering to the other end, with the roles reversed.

As more couples step into middle age chasing careers and raising their children to cross the horizons their parents had touched, the burden of tending to older people can be seen as a millstone around the neck.

Especially if one or both are beset with chronic problems. What the elders perceive as a right to be cared for and heard, is viewed with irritation by the next generation who, in their chase of a better life, tend to push aside duties that were taken for granted.

Thus a single elder, be it a parent, mother-in-law (and in cases the f-i-l), can end up neglected, side-lined, and in cases, the victim of emotional or other abuse.

Little wonder the Supreme Court had advised hospitals to give priority to older citizen’s cases; also because older people often complain of not being given a full hearing or treatment regimen in chronic cases. And hospitals also advise staffers to look out for bruises and other signs of elder abuse, even when examining them for other complaints.

Greater empathy

Power balances within the family unit are tricky things, swinging this way or that depending on a variety of factors. Women are naturally blessed with a greater measure of empathy. If they ensure that, they maintain the balance between generations, they are the main beneficiaries. Nothing is as vital to the support of a woman as another woman. Ask any one with a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law who is also a friend.

The writer is a Consulting Editor with Penguin India

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