This is me, Bins. “She” is away in Illinois this week. So. I decide to go watch a movie. In the cinema for a surprise. Actually, I HATE seeing movies on the little tiny computer screen. Except that it’s a thousand-times cheaper. And the toilet in the house is cleaner than in the cinema. Well, maybe not cleaner. But at least the dirt is home-dirt, you know?

Anyway. The movie I see is called Logan. It stars Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart. I like both these guys. That’s why I decide to see the movie even though it’s one of the X-men series. I don’t much like those films. They always start out interesting but in the end they turn into a visit to the abattoir. And a ketchup-factory. So then I can no longer believe in the story. But in this movie, there’s a twist: it’s a little girl. A dangerous little girl, played by a new young actress called Dafne Keen. So I think maybe it will be interesting to see what this dangerous little girl can do.

When the movie starts we see that Jackman aka Wolverine is looking so old I don’t recognise him. Also, he’s got a boring job as the driver of a stretch-car. I want to laugh because the idea of Wolverine, with his giant dagger-things that jump out of his knuckles, driving a stretch-car is very funny. But I don’t laugh because all around me are serious Wolverine fans. They will not like to hear me laugh. Then he slashes up six bad guys who want to steal his car’s tires. And even though he kills them all, he seems a bit slow.

Okay. So then he goes to the secret hideout where he’s keeping Stewart aka Professor X like a prisoner. Prof X is in a wheelchair and looks almost dead. Of course we are supposed to think he’s a bad guy because he created the mutants — aka X-men — but he’s Patrick Stewart so we all know he’s really a good guy. Just when I’m wondering where is the dangerous little girl — PAF! There she is! Her name is Laura and she has giant dagger-things on her knuckles too, just like Wolverine! Also on her heels! And she can fight 15 big bald men with AK-47s! And she can frown like a pug-dog!

Prof X and Wolverine save Laura and drive like crazy, all the time fighting dozens of angry bad guys who hate being killed by little girls. Prof X says she must go to a place where she’ll be safe. She’s also very dangerous. Along the way, they must stop her from frightening ordinary people with her knuckle-daggers whenever she wants do something normal and ordinary, such as stealing candy from a drug store.

So anyway, much ketchup later it’s the end of the movie. Lots of people are dead but not Laura. Of course not. Because there has to be a sequel. I hope she doesn’t grow up too much, though. I like her tiny size, her ferocious anger. She fears nothing and she has the good taste to like Jackman and Stewart. Just like normal little girls everywhere.

Manjula Padmanabhan, author and artist, writes of her life in the fictional town of Elsewhere, US, in this weekly column

Last episode: Spa sparkles

Next episode: Normal delights

Related Topics
comment COMMENT NOW