At the heart of the mother-in-law–daughter-in-law conflict lies control. The sheer number of things the mother-in-law tries to control took me by surprise. If appearance is the biggest area of conflict between the modern-day mummyji and her daughter-in-law, the second is work. Even before they agree to the wedding, most mothers-in-law categorically state that the daughter-in-law should quit her job. It is no wonder at all that even when measured among other culturally similar Asian countries, India has the largest ‘leaking pipeline’. This is research-speak for the number of women who quit their job between junior and middle levels. In India, about 50 per cent of women employees quit their jobs before they get into middle management roles.

When Nikita’s boyfriend, Arun, told his mother that he was keen on marrying his colleague, she put her foot down purely based on the fact that she would not accept a daughter-in-law who worked. Months later, when she was still to bless the union, Nikita told her she was prepared to quit her job. But mama was not to be moved. ‘She has worked in an office once,’ she told her son, ‘she is tainted for life.’

Deepa’s mother-in-law, Neeta Aunty, was even more obtuse. Although she herself had worked right through her marriage, she refused to allow Deepa to. ‘If you don’t spend a few years getting to know your husband, your marriage will never work,’ she told Deepa. Ironically, Neeta Aunty’s own marriage apparently never suffered from this lack of ‘quantity time’. She was too busy hopping across countries in her job as an airhostess of an international airline.

So if the daughter-in-law isn’t allowed to go to work, what is she supposed to do? Why, there is enough work around the house! Yes, she is expected to be a housemaid. Cook, clean, wash, make babies...

In a survey of men in Brazil, Croatia, Rwanda, Mexico, Chile and India, only 16 per cent of Indian men said they considered it their responsibility to share the household chores more or less equally. Eighty-six per cent of Indian men said the responsibilities of changing diapers and looking after the children were entirely their wives’. In Brazil, only 10 per cent of men thought so. In Croatia that number was 29 per cent and in Mexico 26 per cent. Yet 81 per cent Indian men concurred that the final decision of anything in their homes was theirs. The poor wife is run off her feet, where does she have the time? What the study illustrates is the importance of laying an example. These men themselves say that if they had seen their father help their mother around the house, they would have been likely to do it themselves.

In both the issues of dress code and work, the North Indian mummyji has a much stronger stance than the South Indian one. While in the north, a strict list of what is acceptable to wear is defined and maintained, the south Indian mother-in-law is usually vague and generic. They expected daughters-in-law to dress ‘decently’, especially when male members of the family were present. Lalitha, who is both a daughter-in-law and a mother- in-law, wears saris herself, but is OK with Michelle dressing as she pleases when she is in New York or Delhi. When Michelle visits her in Bangalore though, she expects her to be ‘decent’. She also expects that Michelle wear her mangalsutra all the time. She suspects she does not. But it’s not a deal-breaker for Lalitha. At least, not any more. She is also much more comfortable with the fact that Michelle has a career of her own. It didn’t occur to her even once to ask her to quit. Even Seema, who was engaged in a multi-year battle with her Tamil Brahmin mother-in-law over a nine-yard sari, never had trouble convincing her mother-in-law of her need for a career. That issue never came up. Not before the wedding, in fact, not even after she had a baby.

Like most trends, mummyji’s need to control all that goes on around her has crossed over from the alarming to the comical. Companies are cashing in on this. If you are ever missing mummyji and are at a loss as to how to decide what you should do, you can buy a set of mother-in-law dice. Sold by a company called Happily Unmarried, the mother-in-law dice come in sets of four. Each of it has options, such as Sex, Headache, Curry, Chinese, Always, Don’t Know, etched on each side. Throw the dice and simply follow the instructions. ‘The mother-in-law dice helps you in deciding everything from what to do on weekends to who gets what in case of a fight. A set of four dice for maximum decision-making,’ is how the company advertises it. It is particularly interesting that the mother-in-law dice also gives you an option for a ‘headache’.

In a couple of areas, Indian mothers-in-law surprised me positively. The first was about differences in religion or caste. Many of the women I spoke to had chosen their own spouses. Religion and caste didn’t seem to be big issues in their mummyjis’ decision of accepting these daughters-in-law. When Supriya married Robert, there was never any conversation about her converting to Christianity. Religion popped its divisive head much later in her marriage. Similarly, even though Deepa’s was an arranged marriage, the issue of caste never came up. Their parents decided that the families’ outlooks matched and that was good enough for them.

On the other hand, Anshika’s mother-in-law wasn’t happy that she was marrying her son, even though she was from not just the same caste, but even the same sub-caste. To me it seemed like caste was usually just an excuse for opposition in middle-class urban homes.

The other misconception I had was that the mummyji situation has an economic demographic; that most conflicts between the mother and daughter-in-law take place in lower-middle-class and poorer homes. There isn’t a more laughable assumption. Payal walked out of her home twice because of her mother-in-law. And her home is in Mumbai’s Tony neighbourhood, Worli. Keisha, who works in a multinational company in Kolkata, was routinely raped by her husband until a year ago. Not only did her mataji (who was in the next room and privy to the screams) not think it a cause worthy enough for her to intervene and put an end to, when Keisha complained to her about it, she told her that, as her husband, it was Ashwin’s right to do to her as he pleased. Arti, who isn’t even allowed to sit on the sofa in her husband’s house, or accidentally step into the air-conditioned room, was traumatised not just by her mother-in-law, but also by her husband’s sisters. Her three sisters-in-law are all postgraduates, one is a phD in fact, and employed in high positions in prestigious organisations.

The reality is that the mummyji torment cuts through class and caste. And in a fight, the language used quickly deteriorates to the abusive and trashy, no matter how rich the family or how educated its members.

With permission from Penguin Books India

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