I finally locate the Nation in a homeless shelter under the Nehru Place flyover in Delhi, a makeshift affair made of bamboo and blue plastic sheets. It looks sickly. It is surrounded by poor people. There is a hunted expression on its face. It peers over my shoulder fearfully.

“He’s not with you, is he?” it asks, drawing its tattered blanket closer around its drooping shoulders.

“It’s just me,” I say, whipping out my notebook. This interview may not last long. “You used to have so many questions. Why don’t you want to know anymore? Are you no longer curious?”

“I don’t like causing any trouble,” said the Nation, “That’s why I never ask for much. But sometimes I feel neglected. When Arnab started asking all these questions, in the beginning I quite liked it. Now I feel very guilty. Everyone is getting so angry and upset. There’s so much shouting. And it’s always the same people. Couldn’t he go out and meet some new ones? And why are all of them always angry all the time? Where is the happiness? Ever since that Kejriwal fellow appeared on the scene, things have deteriorated further. I haven’t seen so much concentrated rage since they declared prohibition in Haryana. I suspect that he may have sneezed on Arnab at some social gathering.”

“But don’t you want to know?”

“Yes, but how much?” asks the Nation. “Also I suspect that many people are watching for the wrong reasons.”

“What kind of reasons?” I ask. “Do you have any evidence?” I work for The Hindu Business Line. Evidence is my middle name.

“I certainly do,” says the Nation, “This lady from Patpargunj in east Delhi came and complained to me. She said that her husband is watching Arnab two to three hours every night, because he is convinced that sooner or later, his head is going to explode. He doesn’t want to miss it. It’s become like an obsession. She’s filing for divorce. She’s already lost her hearing in one ear. Others are also suffering. The human brain is simply not constructed for so many questions. In addition, it’s setting a very bad example. That boy on Headlines Today used to be such a sweet fellow. Now he’s become like a feral chipmunk. Soon Harsha Bhogle and Karan Johar will also start shouting at people. Our cricketers and film stars will be unable to perform, which will lead to widespread demoralisation. I feel terribly, terribly responsible. What have I done?”

A tear trickles down the Nation’s cheek. One of the little boys who sell tissue boxes is huddled in a corner. He pulls out a fistful and gives them to the Nation. “You owe me two rupees,” he tells me, crossly, and holds out his hand.

I give him the money and leave the tent, taking care to close the flap behind me.

ASK ALLY

Ally Subramaniam was born in south-west Sundarbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions at >askallysubramaniam@gmail.com

Dear Ally, I fear for my daughter’s moral character. She is 26, and often leaves the house. Will the government assist me in stalking her, or is this facility only available to VIPs? Regards, Concerned Father

Dear Concerned Father,

Thanks to the Beti Suraksha Yojana, your concerns are a thing of the past. As per this scheme, any male person who is a citizen of India and knows a gazzetted officer of the rank of under-secretary or above can simply fill in Form 16C, Form 23D and Form 64F in triplicate, and submit them to their nearest office of the Intelligence Bureau, Crime Branch, or Anti-terrorist Squad. You’ll get a Unique Identification Code, which you must not share with others, as this could lead to someone else’s daughter being followed by mistake. Provided you follow the registration process properly, dedicated officers will follow your daughter into gyms, ice cream parlours, malls, cinema halls, hotels, cricket matches and airports. Female officers will be deployed to follow her into restrooms. Any men talking to your daughter will be arrested immediately. For a small additional fee they can be charged with a non-bailable offense. This scheme is available for concerned fathers everywhere. If your daughter is 65 or older, both she and you can qualify for Senior Citizen Benefit.

Yours truly, Ally

ISRO launches Rahul Gandhi on mission to Jupiter!

“GRAVITY IS A STATE OF MIND,” SAYS SCION

It’s happy days for ISRO, and the preparations for the launch puja are in full swing. Space scientists from Tamil Nadu and Kerala are mingling freely, their differences briefly forgotten in this moment of joy. After NREGA, RTE and RTI, this marks yet another stupendous victory for India’s favourite son.

“Ever since Rahulji mentioned Jupiter, we have been preparing this mission,” said a scientist. “It was a red-letter day for us. When was the last time a politician discussed a planet on TV? We wanted to move quickly, before the astrologers took advantage of it. Naturally, Rahulji will be the first to go. The government was insistent on it.”

A Congress spokesperson has confirmed the move. “We look forward to welcoming him back from his historic journey in the first week of May,” he said. “Unfortunately, this means he’ll not be able to give any more TV interviews until the election is over.”

(The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.)

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority. Follow Shovon on Twitter >@shovonc

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