BHOPAL ERUPTS IN JOY AFTER PROGRESS IN COMPENSATION!

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Music blares. Crackers burst all around me. The air is thick with smoke. I can barely breathe, or make out the figures of the local public, who are dancing joyfully. As the smoke fills my lungs, I feel homesick. I’m from Delhi. This is like my morning walk. I tap one of the dancers, who is doing vigorous Bhangra movements, on his shoulder. “Haven’t the courts banned fireworks in Bhopal?” I ask. He does not mind my implied rebuke. His heart is too full of joy. “First of all, the order was passed by the Supreme Court, and none of the judges lives in Bhopal. Besides, this is Bhopal. Do you think a little smoke is going to bother us?” He pats me on the cheek and dances away, hips swaying gracefully.

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YOUTH FILES RTI REQUEST FOR PRIYANKA WEDDING PHOTOS!

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“What made you take this extreme step?” I ask the young man, who looks exhausted but determined. He has just completed his RTI application. “Perhaps if Deepika had not been so generous, none of this would have happened,” he says. “Her heart is so large, she revealed everything. Without her, how would I have ever appreciated the beauty of a hot orange Sabyasachi kurta, or understood the difference between special occasion chandbali earrings and regular wear chandbali earrings? Until yesterday I thought they were the same.” He touches his earrings self-consciously. I compliment him on his choice. “And what about dancing?” he says, “Haven’t you ever worried about your feet? Now she has shown that it is OK to dance in white canvas shoes. This is why I feel betrayed by Priyanka. In the beginning, she was the same. She shared everything. Her sunglasses were epic. Her lehngas were simply to die for. We were following her joys and sorrows. Then suddenly, on the day of the wedding, nothing. Even the phones of her guests were taken away. They say it was because of some contract, but how is this possible in a democracy? I am doing this for future generations. Meanwhile, if both of them have a movie coming out on the same Friday, I know which one I’m going to see.”

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ASK ALLY

Ally Subramaniam was born in the South-West Sunderbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions. Just send them to askallysubramaniam@gmail.com

Dear Ally,

Who is Nick Jonas?

Regards, Ganesh, Mangalore

 

Dear Ganesh,

Frankly speaking, I have no idea. But who are you to ask this question? Your audacity makes my blood boil. Did anybody encourage you to ask this question? I want their names. Even if you don’t give me their names, I will find them. We can make the world’s tallest statue in just four years; you think we can’t find some anti-nationals? I do not know who this Nick is, but he is playing a vital role in nation building. He is helping to focus our minds. Instead of being distracted by other issues, we are focusing on the things that matter, like how much those kurtas are costing him, and how come Ralph Lauren made a dress for Priyanka, but not a tuxedo for him, and is he actually shorter than Priyanka, or are those just unfortunate camera angles? Whoever he may be, he is filling our lives with joy. Why is this not enough for you? Would you prefer it if we focus on negative things, just when the GDP has been re-calculated? And what’s with all these questions? Did somebody make you vigilance commissioner? If he is good enough for Priyanka, he is good enough for all of us. And his jooties were spectacular.

Yours sincerely, Ally.

 

Investigator Shovon

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

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