The Investigator

PUBLIC SHOCKED AFTER DELHI POLICE ARRESTS CRIMINAL!

In news that has been widely condemned by members of the Criminal Welfare Association (CWA), the Delhi Police has been caught live on camera apprehending a criminal. The mishap occurred in Patparganj, a locality notorious for tandoori chicken. This has led to widespread surprise, especially in Patparganj. “Is this new approach by the police only going to apply to Patparganj or the rest of Delhi? If it is only us, then why are we being singled out in this manner?” asked Pyarelal Munshi, a local resident. Other localities are not taking this lightly. Neighbourhood committees are up in arms. “Why have they started in Patparganj?” asked Bhim Bahadur Sharma, a resident of Trilokpuri, “Crime is much higher in our area. Are we any less deserving?” The unprecedented act by Delhi Police has raised a variety of questions in the minds of Delhi-ites. “How often will they be doing this,” asked Srinivas Nagappa, a resident of Sarita Vihar. “Will it be once a week or once a month, or only on national holidays? How will they select the locality? Will there be some kind of lottery? Will preference be given to Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Jain, Parsi and Sikh localities? Is there some kind of tatkal scheme we can avail of? We need clarity on these issues.”

SHOVON CHOWDHURY

Senior officers of the police have been extremely apologetic. “This was a careless mistake by a junior officer,” said one of them. “The culprit has been severely reprimanded. Exemplary punishment is being administered to prevent its recurrence in the future. The guilty officer will no longer be provided biscuits with his tea for the next two weeks, although he may appeal against this after one week.”

The culprit has expressed remorse. “I acted impulsively and I deeply regret it,” he said. “The crime was happening right in front of me, but as my commanding officer pointed out, this is no excuse.” The commanding officer has also been subjected to internal discipline and will now be allowed only Marie biscuits with his tea, instead of Digestive. This has led to general unrest amongst commanding officers. “This is completely unacceptable,” said one of them. “If senior officers are held responsible for the actions of their juniors, where does it end?”

Meanwhile, members of the CWA will be taking out a protest march that will end at Jantar Mantar, with a brief detour for some chain snatching at Connaught Place. “This betrayal cannot go unanswered,” said Pulkeshwar Dhingra, secretary of the association and a gunrunner from Meerut. “The worst part is, the whole thing happened in broad daylight. This never used to be a problem before.”

GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES ‘DESH BACHAO, GOLI CHALAO’ SCHEME!

In news described as “interesting” by Vladimir Putin, the government has announced the imminent launch of the ‘Desh Bachao, Goli Chalao’ scheme. This innovative project is based on the government’s Beti Bachao scheme, which has received multiple awards from the government and has been photoshopped onto the cover of Time magazine on three separate occasions. “Like this scheme, we will be spending 70-80 per cent of the budget on publicity,” said an officer entrusted with implementation. “This aspect is crucial. Speeches alone are not enough. Sustained communication effort is required. The primary objective of this scheme is to promote the right kind of thinking.

People must realise that the only way the nation can move forward is if we keep shooting people. The more we shoot, the faster progress will be achieved. We are encouraging the public to wholeheartedly participate in this activity. We are discouraging the police from interfering. Execution on the ground has not been neglected either.” Manufacture of country-made revolvers will be accelerated through the ‘Make in India’ scheme, he said. “They will be supplied through ration shops at discounted prices, along with a special introductory offer of five bullets free with every kilo of rice. You may feel free to call us dreamers, but we are not the only ones. We dream of a day, not far away, when we will have shot enough people to achieve our goal of becoming a five-trillion-dollar economy.”

ASK ALLY

Dear Ally,

A few years ago, we were blessed with a child. In order to make him strong, my wife and I frequently hide behind the curtains and leap out and say ‘boo’. He is already three years old but shows no signs of improvement. What are we doing wrong?

Sudhakar, Begumpet

Dear Sudhakar,

Have you tried hanging him upside down over the balcony? Sometimes this works. You could also wear masks while jumping out from behind the curtains. Either way, do not lose heart. None of this is your fault.

Today’s children are exposed to much higher levels of violence and simply saying ‘boo’ may not be enough. You must be leaving your mobile phone lying around a lot, and the password is probably 1234. If you have been sending him to a good playschool, he will have basic numerical skills. If so, by now he has seen Arnab. Scaring him will not be so easy.

A lot depends on your level of commitment to your performance. Do you simply push through the curtains or do you yank them apart? You say you are leaping out. How high do you leap? When you land, are you poised like a panther about to rend its prey? When you view your performance as a whole, are you really feeling it? As with so many other things in life, here, too, sincerity holds the key.

Yours sincerely, Ally

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

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