The Investigator

Exclusive: Interview with Pulkistani Ambassador!

After a highly competitive selection procedure involving three rounds of singing, your correspondent was chosen to be the first person to interview the ambassador of the recently formed nation of Pulkistan. Here is our conversation, conducted on the scented lawns of the Delhi Gymkhana.

So how’s the singing coming along?

It’s improving. All of us do vocal exercises every morning. It’s compulsory. Regarding the song itself, various occasions have been identified for performing it, also compulsory. Before meals. Before taking public transport. Before exams. After meals. During commercial breaks. After receiving cash from the ATM. Before blowing out candles on birthday cakes. In the presence of gazetted officers of the rank of under secretary and above, not including officers on special duty. Verification to be done through CCTV.

Will you be doing the classic version, or freestyling?

Leading citizens will sing the classic version. They will wear sleeveless kurtis and have the lyrics tattooed on the forearms. As backup, they will carry extra-large mobile phones with font size set permanently at 42, to improve visibility.

There was also a proposal that their personal assistants could sit under the table and pass up slips with the lyrics on them, but many of the assistants were too large to fit under the tables.

You’re very particular about clothing.

Yes, we have a well-defined dress code. Men wear sleeveless kurtis and well-ventilated khaki shorts. The women wear burkhas, except for the girls performing item numbers, since this is more of a public service.

Who are your most prominent citizens?

Our founding father, of course. The video of him singing has been viewed six million times in Pulkistan. At schools, it is played every morning. Other prominent citizens include Sumita Dhumal, who saved us from the tsunamin of 2003. She will be the first recipient of the Pulki Ratna, followed by Bhismaani and Suhasin. Bhismaani is a renowned ghazal singer, while Suhasin is our leading exponent of kathakali.

Tell us a few more fun facts about Pulkistan.

We all take turns guarding the border. I go on Tuesdays and Saturdays. We have offered Arnab Goswami the position of Chief Justice, which will mean that cases will be disposed of within 30 minutes.

We have also unveiled our national flag, which is pure white, symbolising the blankness of mind that leads to purity. We are also considering an alternative or backup national song.

What song is that?

We are looking at ‘Jimmy Jimmy aaja’ from the film Disco Dancer. The lyrics are much easier to remember , and it’s a way of honouring the legendary Mithun-da.

Human Rights body condemns Tamil cartoonist!

In a belated yet pithy response, the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) has thoroughly condemned Chennai-based cartoonist G Bala for creating nude caricatures of politicians, policemen and bureaucrats. In the cartoon in question, three such people have been portrayed almost nude, their manly elements barely hidden by what appear to be bundles of ₹2,000 notes.

“Some things were not meant for the human eye,” said a spokesperson from UNHRC, “This man has inflicted cruel and unusual punishment on the public. We have reports of children who are unable to sleep. They wake up at night crying, ‘Mummy, the pink men are coming!’ We demand strict guidelines for future cartooning. If at all such people are to be portrayed, they should be in loose, flowing clothing, with no unnecessary exposure, unless the story demands it.”

In related news, the Reserve Bank of India (RBI) has filed an FIR against the cartoonist for ‘reckless endangerment of freshly printed currency’. “We were shocked to see the misuse,” said an RBI officer. “This is no way to treat the brand new notes that we have been working so hard to supply you. After demonetisation, it’s only natural that the public may want feel closer to their money. But there should be limits. In case you are in possession of such notes, we advise gentle rinsing with a mild detergent.”

Delhi resident, 32, grateful to Health Minister!

Santokh Singh, 32, a resident of Najafgarh, has expressed heartfelt gratitude for the words of the health minister. He was reacting to a statement where the health minister had pointed out that the Delhi pollution crisis was not like the Bhopal gas tragedy, and that no death certificate ever had cause of death as ‘pollution’.

“I am very grateful to the minister,” said Singh. “Thanks to him, my thought process has changed. Nowadays, when the waiter is late with my food, I do not get angry. I remind myself that so many died during the Bengal famine of 1941. When I read about train accidents, I remember those who lost their lives on the Titanic, including Kate Winslet. I am trying to spread this thought process. When my friend broke his ankle in a pothole, I reminded him that millions had passed away during the Partition. He was much happier. ‘Your observation was genuinely helpful,’ he said. ‘Next time my wife abuses me, I’ll remember Jallianwallah Bagh.’ I am doing my best to spread his message. Sometimes people react negatively, but most are beginning to see things such as asthma and lung cancer in a positive light. The minister has done a great thing. Instead of running around trying to do things, he has provided the soothing balm of philosophy. This is the essence of governance. Change has to come from within.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics; @shovonc

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