The Investigator

DO NOT WANT TO SEE INDIANS NAKED, SAY WHITE MEN!

A minister said that we are all happy to strip naked in front of white men. This set me thinking. What about the white men? Were they encouraging this? Is it all white men, or just a few? How frequently does this occur? Someone needed to get to the bottom of this. I went to my editor. She was quite keen. “Make sure you take lots of photographs,” she said. We agreed that I should go to England, because it feels like home.

My trip began badly. At the airport I asked security guards if they wanted to see me naked, and the third one arrested me for soliciting. I quietly undid my belt buckle, thinking that maybe he was pretending not to be interested, but it was not the case. He made me rebuckle and hauled me away. I told him I was a journalist with The Hindu BusinessLine , but he misunderstood. “I don’t care if you’re Hindu,” he said, “What you can’t do is start prostituting yourself the moment you step out of Heathrow. Bloody foreigners!” Eventually, he understood my purpose. He even tried to help me. He called out to his colleague, standing nearby eating an egg sandwich. “Oy, Ben!” he said, ‘Do you want to see this man naked?” “God, no,” said Ben, “Take your girlfriend someplace else, you degenerate!”

I go to a local pub. The inside is warm, but the food is lamentable. It’s late in the evening and the patrons are cheerful. I ask three of them if they would like to see me naked. Two of them decline, while the third says, “Only if you pay me.” I decide to try the bartender, a large man with a friendly face. “Is that some kind of cocktail?” he asks, shaking his head, “What on earth will they come up with next?” I say no, I am investigating a sociological trend highlighted by our government, and would he like me to take my clothes off?

I wake up next morning in the street, which is empty. London is a cold and lonely place, with no street dogs. I have now interviewed seven white men, and none wanted to see me naked. Could this be a supply side issue? Perhaps it is we Indians who are doing this spontaneously, surprising taxi drivers by stripping in the back seat, and leaping out at senior citizens from behind bushes. I need to find out how frequently this is happening. My investigations will continue. I will keep you posted about further developments.

BJP IT CELL ANNOUNCES ASTROLOGY SERVICES!

In news that was condemned by Bejan Daruwalla, the BJP IT cell has announced that it will be launching an astrology service. This is after their remarkable success in predicting the dates of the Karnataka election.

First of all, how did they achieve this astounding success? “It was a team effort,” said a spokesperson for the BJP IT Cell, “The boys played really well. At crucial moments, key people put up their hands. You know what they say. Fortune favours the brave. No guts, no glory. Also, I want to thank the Academy. But we are not sitting idle after this victory. Why should we use our predictive skills just for ourselves, we thought., others should also benefit. We will soon be providing a variety of services, including exact date of delivery in case of pregnancy, exam test papers across government services and institutions, stock market prices, box office collections, and whether Arnab will cry on TV on any given evening.”

Response from astrologers has been mixed. “I had already predicted this, along with the results of the Tripura elections,” said Pandit Bhrigu from Bhagalpur. “My parrot has been extremely nervous for the last few days,” said Chanchal Sinha from West Dinajpur, “As if anticipating some calamity.” “Government is unnecessarily favouring chartered accountants,” said an angry Keshav Maharaj of Greater Noida, “Thanks to GST, CAs are minting money. But in our case, they are kicking our stomach.”

ASK ALLY

Dear Ally,

Recently I have been getting the same Uber driver every time. Yesterday he asked about my wife. This morning he was watering my plants. Is this cause for concern?

Regards,

Ram Ratan Mishra, Lucknow

Dear Ram Ratan,

This is an unusual situation, with several possibilities. One is that you are losing your mind. Is this happening elsewhere? When you order food, does the same person always deliver? What about your colleagues? Do they all look the same? This is especially disturbing if some of them are women. Can you tell the difference between Ranbir Singh and Ranveer and the other Ranbir, or is he also Ranveer? I can never tell. Either way, if you are hallucinating, you should stick with Uber. It’s not safe to drive in your condition.

If you are not hallucinating, the Uber app may have been tweaked. They do this now and then. In this case, they may be seeking intimacy. Every company wants to get close to customers, and forge bonds that are deep and personal. By assigning a specific driver to you, they may be trying to achieve this. In time, they are hoping, they will become part of the family. Your approach to this would largely depend on the individual concerned. Does he seem nice? Do your children like him? Ask him to come in and do the dishes. If he says yes, you should probably keep him.

Yours sincerely, Ally

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics