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The Investigator

Shovon Chowdhury | Updated on January 03, 2020 Published on January 03, 2020

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SURVEY REVEALS WIDESPREAD OPTIMISM AMONG COWS!

A recent survey conducted by the ministry of animal husbandry has revealed widespread optimism among cows regarding their prospects for 2020. “Chances of our being eaten are much less,” says Janaki Devi, a resident of Mongolpuri. “Although malpractices by Mother Dairy remain a concern area. One of my cousins spent a month in one of their factories before she was rescued by the RSS. She still refuses to talk about her experiences there.”

 

“I have picked up a lot of economics from the faculty here,” says Pramila Devi, resident of a garbage dump on the outskirts of JNU. “Economically, our prospects look bright. On the housing front, the trend is positive. Budgetary allocations for gaushalas are increasing exponentially, and we are optimistic that several will be built. We are also seeing positive developments in the area of clothing. We look forward to receiving more blankets after the innovative scheme announced by a visionary government officer in Gwalior, wherein everyone who donates 10 blankets to cows will receive a free gun licence. We anticipate a rapid roll-out of the scheme at the national level. It provides a double benefit. We will be better clothed, and guns will reach the hands of the right kind of people. This officer’s earlier scheme of providing gun licences to those who plant more saplings was also very beneficial, as we were able to eat them.”

Rumours regarding national registration are also contributing to overall bovine happiness. “The next step for us is citizenship, which we are confident we will achieve soon,” says Madhubala Devi, who lives near the residence of Amit Malviya, head of the BJP IT Cell.

“When the BJP IT Cell made ‘India supports CCA’ trend on Twitter, black-tongued evildoers accused them of inability to spell, but this is not true. They were actually referring to the Cow Citizenship Act, which will be introduced in Parliament shortly. Once we are able to vote, the sky is the limit. We cannot rule out one of us becoming prime minister in the near future.”

Fatima, a cow from Bangladesh, was the sole exception to the trend. “It’s not that I planned to infiltrate,” she says. “It’s just that the fence was broken and the grass on the other side seemed greener.”

Overall, however, the constant flow of good news has led to widespread enthusiasm. “I am particularly encouraged by the rise in the price of our urine,” says Pinky Devi, a resident of the IIT Kanpur campus. “Ongoing efforts are being made by scientists here to increase the quality. I am currently being fed a lot of honey, to improve its flavour. Life is certainly sweet for us. Soon it will become even sweeter,” she adds.

GOVT TO LIST PROTESTS WHERE PROPERTY DAMAGE ALLOWED!

In news that has been greeted with relief by property owners, the government has announced that it will soon be declaring norms for property damage during protests. “There was a need for regularisation of the process,” said a spokesperson. “Our primary focus will be on underprivileged communities, anti-nationals and sentiments. Any property damage by members of the public whose sentiments have been outraged will be exempt. Property damage at restaurants that encourage mixing during Valentine’s Day will also be permitted, as will damage to the environment during religious ceremonies conducted by members of the Hindu, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist and Jain communities. Damage caused by the police to the property of those accused of property damage will be exempt, along with damage caused to libraries of educational institutions.

Damage caused by underprivileged communities such as Patels and Jats will be allowed, except when said Patels are followers of Patels not supported by the administration. Damage caused to non-vegetarian restaurants will be treated leniently, as will damage caused to the homes of suspected meat-eaters. Care must also be taken in defining the term ‘property’. An overall impression is being created that the government is against property damage, but this is not correct. Rewards may also be given in select cases. For example, in the case of damage or destruction of large religious structures which are subject to dispute, provided such structures do not belong to the Hindu, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist or Jain communities.”

PARROT PREDICTS TRENDS FOR COMING DECADE!

A parrot belonging to Pandit Bhishma Lochan Sharma, a noted astrologer from Varanasi, has issued a list of detailed predictions for the new decade. “The number of people joining the ‘Tukde Tukde Gang’ will increase exponentially, until they outnumber the rest of the population. At which point the country will fall apart,” said the parrot. “The economy will go from strength to strength, driven by sarcastic remarks from the finance ministry. Blame for minor hiccups will be extended from millennials to their parents, whose poor child-rearing practices will have played a key role in slowing down the economy.

 

Fresh currency notes will be issued in magenta, fuchsia, turquoise and aquamarine. Chetan Bhagat will criticise the government on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Nitish Kumar will be secular on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Tiger Shroff will develop two extra abs. In a development that will lead to widespread mourning, Arnab Goswami’s head will explode on live TV. An Ayurvedic arm-wrestling challenge involving Ramdev and Sadhguru will end with minor injuries to both. Indo-US relations will improve significantly after an interview of President Trump by Prasoon Joshi, in which he will praise the President’s hair. Kashmiris will be allowed to access WhatsApp between 10 am and 1 pm on Tuesdays, provided all messages are sent in the presence of gazetted officers of the rank of undersecretary and above. The hashtag ‘whataboutus’, promoted by rural naxals, will become the year’s top trend on Twitter.”

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics

Published on January 03, 2020
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