Dealing with a friend who ignores you

I have a friend who is fine with me when we meet each other one-to-one or when we talk on the telephone.

In company or in social situations, she says hello to me but stays away from me and spends time with others.

This has happened every time we have met when other people are around.

Recently, when I went up to her to chat, she said that she needs to speak to someone else.

I find her behaviour confusing.

Nirupama Rao Dwivedi answers

An aspect that is not clear is whether you both are in regular contact; if so, she may be chatting with others only because she has not been in touch with them recently.

So, before jumping to conclusions, it is important for you to think about that.

If you are not in regular contact, and considering that she has consistently been ignoring you in company, it may be that your friend is trying to communicate something to you.

In social interactions, the behaviour of ignoring one individual over others can be a powerful tool. Ignoring is a form of control and there is no denying that game-playing stems from a person’s sense of insecurity.

From your perspective, if you feel belittled, it may be important that you discuss the situation with her.

However, I advise you to have the discussion in a non-confrontational but firm manner.

Being assertive is important as it shows that one can stand up for oneself and often, such situations can magically disappear as the power balance is shifted or equalised.

Nirupama is a clinical psychologist based in London, with an interest in working through adjustment issues with young adults.

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