The Hindu Business Line : Culture gap

The tug-of-war between conforming to Indian traditional limits and adapting to western culture throws up new challenges for first-generation immigrant parents and their children.

V. RADHIKA

The news item splashed across front pages last November added a chill to Canada's bonenumbing winter. Toronto-student Aqsa Parvez, 16, was strangulated by her father, reportedly for defying the family's dress code that, according to Aqsa's friends, included wearing the hijab. Not surprisingly, the knee-jerk reaction was to assign all the blame to the hijab.

News reports as well as commentaries held the piece of cloth responsible for women's oppression in general, and this murder in particular. However, subsequent inquiries revealed that like many others of South Asian origin, the girl and her parents had been at loggerheads over several issues - her freedom to wear western clothes being just one of them. She had even moved out of the family home twice, seeking refuge elsewhere.

CULTURE CLASH

While Aqsa paid a price with her life for aspiring to be a regular Canadian teenager, the incident has turned the spotlight on the cultural clashes played out in many immigrant families in Canada. It also highlights the chasm between parents and children. It is true that teen-parent clashes are not unique to immigrants. However, they can be doubly torturous in strict households where immigrant parents are desperate to hold onto their moral authority and come from a culture where parents are used to being the ultimate arbiters of their children's lives.

"It is not just South Asians who experience these cultural differences. All immigrants do. However, for us it is much greater because our dress codes are different, going out on dates is an alien concept, and we are not comfortable with sleepovers. For a child growing up in North America, deprivation of these regular features of teenage behaviour is incomprehensible. Very often the situation is compounded by lack of communication between parents and children," says Suman Ganesh, a high-school teacher in Toronto.

OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Health promoter Pallavi Kashyap echoes this observation. The Kashyaps migrated from India to Canada 18 years ago and have a teenaged daughter. "We have to accept that our children, who are either born or raised here, will be influenced by the society they are living in. The key is to be totally clued into what is happening in their lives. We have to know them, their friends, what their interests are and talk to them about everything under the sun. It has to be an open relationship," she says.

While there is a consensus on the need for open communication, there is no formula on how to bridge the gap between the culture that parents have grown up in and the one in which they are raising their children. "The main problem," says Anumita Sharma, 18, who studies at York University, "is that our parents continue to live mentally in the country of their origin, whether it is India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka or Bangladesh. They expect us to behave and dress like our cousins back home. But they do not understand that things have changed there, too, and our cousins are not as traditional as our parents think."

She also highlights the contradiction that marks the behaviour of many first-generation immigrants. Most want their children to excel in academics and integrate/assimilate into the society but are not willing to accept the western influences.

ANGER AND DISAPPOINTMENT

Ashima Kaul, 22, recalls the anger and disappointment she felt at being unable to attend birthday parties or go for sleepovers. She fumes at the preferential treatment accorded to boys over girls, citing various examples of gender-based division of labour at home and also a stricter conduct code for girls.

"I think our parents carry their fears from back home and that is what dictates their behaviour, especially towards girls," says Ashima.

Her anger has now given way to understanding her parents' viewpoint. "Till you are 15, you experience only anger but by the time you go to university you understand their fears. You are also clear about what kind of life you want to lead and, many times, you just do not keep them in the loop because they will not understand," she says.

It is this conclusion about the parents' inability to understand and the desire to "fit in" that leads many youngsters to lead a schizophrenic lifestyle. The modest dresses are cast off in school washrooms for trendy clothes and boys are wooed. In fact, say counsellors at the South Asian Women's Centre, many girls who are abused by their boyfriends do not report abuse since their parents are not aware of these relationships. "The boys know these girls are scared of their parents and use it to their advantage," says Rathy Tavanayagam, a school counsellor in Markham, Greater Toronto Area.

Rathy says both sides have to be willing and open to appreciate each other's point of view. "However, parents have a greater responsibility in this whole process. They have to understand that the children have a valid viewpoint. Together, they have to arrive at an acceptable set of rules," she says.

Pallavi makes it a point to get to know daughter Mihika's friends and the two discuss everything, including adolescent crushes. Doctors Anu and her husband Shridhar Prasad share a similar relationship with their children. "It was not the children but we who chose to come here. We have to accept that there are consequences that come with that choice. It is up to us to make the best of it," says Anu.

BEST OF BOTH

So, while their children went to language classes on weekends, celebrated Indian festivals and learnt Indian classical music or dance, they also took lessons in piano, ballet, and celebrated St Patrick's Day and Christmas with Christmas tree et al. But, most important of all, say the Prasads, they acknowledged that "we have come to a different culture, and there are good things in this culture that we should adopt and also let our children adopt."

The task of balancing the East and West is understandably an onerous one. Krishnan Swaminathan, IT professional and a father of two girls, says his challenge is to ensure that "our (Indian) culture is retained at least to some extent without conflicting with our life here".

His comment is representative of many first-generation immigrants: "As an Indian living in Canada, I still have my values and need to fulfil my duty and bring up my daughters, get them married to an Indian boy within our culture. I don't want my daughters to deviate and go out of our culture." He wants his daughters to integrate well into the Canadian society and "behave like them" when they are in Canadian spaces - but within "Indian cultural limits". He believes that is possible because the country offers an opportunity for people to occupy different spaces.

"It all boils down to what kind of person you are and I believe that children can be moulded. But communication channels have to be open. Even if it is something against my own beliefs I should be willing to listen and reason with them." This position may be fraught with contradictions but is the predominant one. Saransh Bhatt knows this well.

His children are now in university, but the struggles continue. "All I can say is that it is a daunting task and we parents have to learn to let go," he says. And, therein lies the challenge: where and when to let go.

If there is one lesson to be learnt from Aqsa's murder it is this: parents need as much help as their children do in this struggle.

(Some names have been changed on request.)

Women's Feature Service